I’ve been feeling really morose today. I could say I’m not sure why, but I do know why; that’s what makes it so depressing. I don’t have anyone to spend time with outside of my family. I haven’t found anyone at work with whom I have a particular connection. Church is not my element for making friends; I always feel like everyone else would rather be talking to someone more interesting. That’s probably a big part of my problem: I don’t have the greatest self-value. I think it’s because I compare myself with people who’ve had a traditional upbringing and education.
I’m watching my 7 yo brother and sister playing with a little girl from church and I’m just struck with the simplicity of making friends when you’re that age. They aren’t worrying about what the girl will think of them, she is just their friend. I used to make friends that way. I think about Joelle, my friend from childhood, and when I first met her. I don’t remember the moment, but I must have been really young because I was young when I remember going to her house to play. We just played together and talked about things. She was my best friend and yet there wasn’t any formal “I dub thee, Friend” moment. Then she moved away. I still regret not continuing to e-mail her. I just stopped one day; forgot about it until I thought it was too late to e-mail her again. How stupid. Is it too late to e-mail her again and try to renew the friendship? I’d feel really stupid, but I suppose a lot of friendships begin that way : ) I really miss her though. I’m so hungry right now, my back hurts. Huh.
I saw on an e-mail signature some reference to Timothy and it made me think of the verse in 1 Tim. that says:
1 Timothy 4:11-16
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.
That verse always makes me think. Because in daily living I let myself be swayed by the thinking that I’m not old/knowledgeable/traveled/well-read/and-dozens-others enough.
“Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere”
I feel like I need a midnight train going anywhere. Lately I’ve been feeling, in spite of all my efforts to the contrary, that my life isn’t going anywhere. That midnight train is pretty appealing at times. And no. That isn’t a metaphor for suicide and never will be. If I die it won’t be by my own hand unless I’m given the choice to take my own life or take one of my family members’.
There’s another song that has parts that I really identify with (stupid though they may be):
Ever, Ever After
Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do
In our secretest heart it’s our favourite part of the story
Let’s just admit we all want to make it too
That song sort of gives me an odd hope. It may be considered stupid to identify with songs like this, but I don’t care. I really like the sentiments expressed in songs about Happily Ever After. That’s probably why I like Disney Princess stories so much: Happy Endings.
On that note: I’m out.
2 Comments
July 13, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Again like you, I can relate to this post. Weekends, and Sundays especially, to me always seem sort of depressing and I have recently began to acknowledge to myself that it is because I am alone. I mean I have family that I spend time with everyday which is great, but there is still that void that needs filling. All of my friends have all got married and busy with the married life, so that kind of leaves me the odd man out and no one to hang out with. Same deal w/ me and my work as you as well. Mine is because there is such an age gap with me and my coworkers.
I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve last talked to your friend, but I would email them. It’s nice, some day out of nowhere, to find out that you’ve crossed an old friend’s mind. I’ve just recently came back in contact with a schoolmate from 11 years ago myself. It was surprising to me that she thought enough of me, even after sooo long, to look me up. Lots of things change over the years, and people aren’t always the way that you remember them because they change as well, but I definitely thing it is worth a shot to renew an old friendship.
Sorry for such a long comment, and I hope you don’t mind me regularly reading your entries :)
July 16, 2008 at 11:36 am
I don’t mind :) Thanks for the insight!